I don’t think people understand me when I say I can cut you from my life in 2 seconds flat. Unless you’re someone I’ve been close to for a few years, then it’s a different story. I just lack a certain sentiment for people. If we get into a fight, and I clearly was not in the wrong, I’ll ask you a few times what the problem is. And if you incessantly blow me off, you’re done. That’s it. I won’t try to mend the situation, and no matter how hard you try to mend the situation, it’s just not going to work. That’s just how my mind works. If I’m not the one at fault, it’s you who has to make things right. I don’t see it as my responsibility to do so. And if I haven’t forgiven you after a certain time frame, you can count on the fact that I can completely just never speak to you again. 

I’m sorry I’m not as smart as the other kids in my grade. I don’t get a 95+ average, I get it. But just because I don’t get an insanely high average like some other kids do doesn’t mean I don’t try. I don’t think people understand how hard I try to maintain everything in my life. I mean sure, I procrastinate, but it’s not like everyone does work, all the time, on time. With the exception of my first 3 years of math, everything else is decent. You know math never came easy for me. It never did, it never will. You would think after 10 years of not doing well in math, anyone would know math would never be my forte. For what I lack in math, I make up for in other areas. I have over a 100 average for English and Italian to drag up my math grades. I think it should count for at least something. I keep up with more than my fair share of extra-curriculars, I did alright on my SAT’s, I did my college applications way earlier than most people, I’m helping out at Mileeko whenever I can, I never stay out late. What more do you want me to do? I put forth so much effort for college, and you say you’re proud, but you don’t mean it when you put in that side comment of why can’t I make it to Harvard. I’m sorry I don’t measure up to your expectations. But at least I tried.

I guess I was only lying to myself when I say I’m over you. The way you looked at me, the way you called me your boo. You look at her the way you used to look at me and I hate that. I can’t say it doesn’t hurt. It cuts, it cuts deep. I don’t even know what I’m fighting for anymore. I decided to give up on you, I know when I’m fighting a losing battle. I know I can’t have everything, and I guess this time, what I can’t have is you. I can make my choices, but I’m never free from the consequences of my choices. And I realize that now, standing aside did nothing for me. I admit, I didn’t want to take chances with you, knowing fully that I could get my feelings hurt. Because I didn’t take that chance, I’m hurting tenfold seeing you happy with her. But you know, so what? So what if it hurts me? So what if I break down? I have nowhere to run into, nobody to run into but myself and my insecurity. I don’t care about the pain I have to endure, but as long as you’re happy. If it kills me to standby idly, so be it.

I just hope you’re happy.

It sounds weird but I like the books or movies that can make me cry. If it can make me cry, I’ll like it. It’s really difficult to evoke any type of genuine emotion out of me. I’m quite apathetic towards everything in my life. I can’t really help it either. There’s times where I’ll be happy for people, but it’s rare. I have an emotional range the size of my pinky toe. So when something makes me cry, you best believe it got through to my lack of emotion and brought it out.

I do everything with reason. I like working around rules. I’m calculating. I don’t believe in asking other people for help. I believe in doing everything yourself. Rely only on yourself. I’m an independent person. If you can’t accomplish something with only your own efforts, you don’t deserve whatever you were aiming for. In all aspects of my life, whether it be relationships, education, rank, anything. It’s all a game to me. I play with my food before eating it. I’m pretty apathetic towards everything, a lot of people mean nothing to me. You could honestly die for all I care, and I would feel nothing. I’d probably go out for a cup of tea or something. As rude and harsh it may sound, that’s the type of person I am. Everything’s just a game. It’s like chess. Pieces are bound to be lost, but as long as the King comes out the victor, that’s all that matters. The ends justify the means.

And losing isn’t in my vocabulary.

I’ll never forget whenever you walked me home when it was freezing.
I’ll never forget how you never judged me.
I’ll never forget when you told me about things you never told anyone else.
I’ll never forget how you made me food when you were home.
I’ll never forget that you skipped church to stay with me.
I’ll never forget how you held me when I wasn’t feeling well.
I’ll never forget when you told me you liked someone else.
I’ll never forget how comfortable you made me feel around you.
I’ll never forget the way you thought you were slick when you held my hand.
I’ll never forget when you came over to my house and we ate ice cream.
I’ll never forget the day when you picked me up in a hug and twirled me around.
I’ll never forget all of the 4 times I cried over you.
I’ll never forget the time you gave me your cross and prayed for me.
I’ll never forget the way you made me feel.
I’ll never forget the feelings I have for you.

And I’ll never forget the way I love you. I don’t know what love is, but I’m sure that the feelings I had for you were the strongest I’ve ever felt in my life.

I don’t really want to immediately go to college after I graduate high school. I wanted to do volunteer work for a year before actually going to college. I really want to help out the people in Thailand. There’s so many things I took for granted when I went there with my family. Every day things like a roof over your head was a big thing. And I felt really blessed having visited there. Pattaya was amazing. I’m not a particularly religious person, but I visited a monk and he just held my hands for 10 minutes and we prayed together. Not for ourselves, particularly but for everything in general. I cried afterwards and it was just an eye-opening experience. He took a bracelet off his hand and gave it to me. Although we both spoke a foreign tongue, we managed to somehow understand each other through hand gestures and facial expressions. I still have the bracelet on to this day, never taking it off.

Seeing the video about the Mongolians being really happy to have their picture taken, it really made me want to go visit. To help people achieve a new level of happiness by something so mundane and simple is inspirational. I might just go on the summer before I head off to college. :)

New Goal: Polaroid for Christmas!

Edit: After checking prices for Polaroid FILM, I can’t. It’s about $25 for 20 pictures. No. I’ll just go to their nearest development centre and develop it for them. Ok.

I know I’ll get addicted until it ends. I’ve watched about 2 Korean dramas before, and I’ve always been addicted. But dammit it all to Hell, this drama Heartstrings is so so so good. But I gotta save some for tomorrow. I just finished episode 4, and I started today! This is so bad oh my. Well, I’ll be watching some in the morning, then some with Hilda later on until I have to go meet up with Mama Lee in the city.

I believe in earning things for yourself. Sure, being given something every so often is nice too. However, I hate it so much when some people are so used to getting handed everything they can’t tolerate something not handed to them. This generation has grown to be such ungrateful little shits. All this generation knows how to do is bitch about the things they want, things they’re not getting and how annoying their parents are. Just because your parents didn’t buy you that Louis Vuitton wallet, those new Jordans or that gold plated hair straightener or whatever it is kids want nowadays. I’m not surprised that parents think their kids are money sucking creatures, you are. I don’t know about other parents, but my parents work their butt off to keep a roof over my head. Kids drain money faster than a sponge sucks in water. Parents have other more important things to pay for than your new $300 shoes. Daily necessities like food, water, electricity are of more importance than getting you the iPad. And just because they don’t get expensive things for you doesn’t mean they don’t love you. They love you enough to keep you under their roof, that’s plenty. If you want it so bad, find yourself a job and earn it yourself.

Seniors are graduating, I’m not gonna see them in the halls anymore. This hit me yesterday when I was signing his yearbook. This guy, oh my god. I’ve liked him since the beginning of sophomore year. I didn’t really see him much this year but when I saw him yesterday, it was indescribable. I still got butterflies seeing him. The sad thing is, he’s never gonna fucking know. Not a lot of people know, but at some point everyone was rooting for us and he still didn’t know. He doubts himself, not knowing how amazing he is. He pulled me up when I was at my worst, he gave me faith, making me believe in myself. He listened to me rant about pointless things, walking me home at subzero degree temperatures when he lived in the complete opposite direction. He’ll always be my ray of sunshine. I’ve never frowned when I was with him except now that I’ve realized I would barely see him. He’d make me laugh, smile and I always felt my best when I was with him. Even when he told me he liked someone else, I was happy for him knowing that someone can make him happy. I think he’s the only person that’s made me cry before, knowing how much I could want something that would never happen. It doesn’t matter to me. I know you’ll be great, doing amazing things to inspire people. The thing I love most about him is that he makes me feel worth it, loved. He doesn’t fucking realize shit. But if he’s been doing fine up until now, I’m sure he’ll be fine without me. He’ll always hold a place in my heart. I think every time I see him, even if it be 5 years from now, I’ll still get butterflies.

I wish you the best.

So I was with my mom at Walbaums, and she white lady in front of us was using food stamps and stuff and had over $500 in her card left. She was telling me in Cantonese because she didn’t know how to say it in English and isn’t comfortable with it either. But then, the white lady decides to be rude about it.

White Lady: I swear, Asians are so stupid. They can’t talk shit about me in English, so they say it in their own language. They screw up everything, taking our jobs and shit. Cheap shit, buying things that are on sale.

Cashier: No, I don’t think they’re talking about you. Don’t worry about it.
White Lady: No, I know they’re talking about me. It feels like an episode of Seinfeld where the Asians do their nails in the salon and talk shit about the white woman.

I already tried keeping quiet, but I couldn’t stand her anymore. So at this point, I’m fucking pissed. You’re so fucking ignorant.

Me: Excuse me, but I suggest you keep your racial comments to yourself. Asians are no more ignorant than yourself. You don’t know us, so don’t make aspersions about our character, language or culture until you do. Just because we aren’t speaking English, doesn’t mean we don’t know it. We don’t “take” your job, if anything, it is because you were incompetent in the field you wished to pursue. Don’t take it personally just because there’s someone better than you out there and that person just happened to be of Asian descent. That’s called being racist. And maybe you would have gotten that job, if you decided to do something else other than stay at home watching Seinfeld all day. Perhaps you can oh, I don’t know, pick up a book, read? And just because I’m buying things that are on sale, doesn’t make me a cheap person. This is coming from someone who is using the government’s money, so I wouldn’t try to insult someone else from that angle.

White Lady: You think you fucking know everything? I KNOW YOU WERE TALKING ABOUT ME. I’M NOT FUCKING STUPID YOU KNOW.

Me: I beg to differ. Every profane comment that came out of your mouth only proves the fact that you can only use vulgar language to prove your point.

White Lady: YOU CAN SHUT THE FU-

Me: Don’t flatter yourself, you aren’t worthy to be talked about. So it’s really me who should be telling you to keep your mouth shut. You should really understand, the ignorance of another’s culture is never an excuse. Have a nice day.

I gave her one last look and walked away with my mom.

/Raging.